you held me all night last night. I don’t remember the last time that happened. Even when we pulled away from each other early this morning you reached over so your hand was resting in the curve of my back. It was enough to remind me of why I’ve subjected myself to this relationship for so long. I know its not perfect. It will never be perfect. We will never be perfect. But I’m not ready to try and find perfection. 

I love you. I don’t even like you, but I will always, always love you. Your stupid turned out feet. Your v-necks. Your tattoos. Your laugh. The rise and fall of your chest when you’re sleeping. The noises you make. I’ve memorized every aspect of you. I don’t want to forget. I want to keep you close. 

update: I let you go… or you let me go. we let each other go. we will never be friends and you will never love me the way I loved you. I don’t want to love you anymore, but sometimes I find myself asking your friends how you’re doing, what you’ve been up to, how grad school acceptances are going. Last night one of them told me to ask you myself, it was difficult to actually admit that I can’t, you don’t want me to and I’m too scared. I’m starting to forget. You’re smile still cuts me down a few notches. I find our similarities glaring now that we’re apart. My impressive observational skills will not fix what is broken. My mind is probably playing tricks on me anyway. I hope someday we talk. Someday we can sit down and tell each other the truth. I don’t miss you. At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.